Then within hours my humanity was in full control. At 2:30am a group of people were speaking outside my hotel room as if it were noon and they were separated by a football field. Seriously? Did your Mama never teach you about a library voice? That’s the one you use in the library, church and hotel hallways, where just a few feet away someone may be trying to sleep.

In spite of my earplugs I was jarred awake. It happened all three nights, between 1 and 3 am. Apparently there are many people out there who know nothing about using a library voice as a courtesy to others. As tempted as I was I didn’t open the door to give them a scathing rebuke. I just told God what I thought of them. Aren’t you glad He doesn’t answer every prayer as we pray? I am.

Just a few hours after being deeply moved by speakers challenging me to read the word, to pray, to trust God even in my suffering, I was punching pillows, smacking the mattress, muttering unkind words and generally being a grouch.

How quickly I switch from spiritual to carnal.

I am praying today for a heart that is quick to grace and slow to grouch.”Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

Steve and Sean are two of my favorite men. I love this picture of rest. I can see myself as little Sean and God as Steve as I lean back in His arms and feel that deep, peaceful, all encompassing rest. That’s heaven.

Psalm 62 repeats this, “¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. ² Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”

^“5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. ⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

I love the feeling in verse 8, “⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

Next time you need rest, but the storm rages within, pour out your heart to Him and lean back in His lap. Our rest comes from Him.

Sean’s rash is all gone now.

I know I am loved. I know I have something to offer. I know I’m good with customer relations and yet …

Saturday morning when I went on line to see if I had been scheduled to work, my login failed, repeatedly. After a few tries I stopped and thought,  “No … Surely they would have told me.”

I called and I had in fact been laid-off but no one had bothered to let me know.

The offending company shall remain un-named, but rest assured all you Vanguardians, it wasn’t Vanguard. I am still fully committed to all ya’ll.

So, in spite of what I know to be true, and that I wasn’t particularly emotionally attached to the job, it hurt. It hurts to be treated like you aren’t even worth the time it takes to make a phone call to let you know you needn’t come into work. I felt invisible. I’m fairly sure that if I were to come across one of the managers, they wouldn’t recognize me, or if they did, they’d wonder why. “I know her. Who is she?”

Why is it so easy to fall into the woe is me pit when we know better? Why is the lie easier to believe than the truth? Why is it easier to embrace the hurt by the thoughtlessness of man, than to fall into the arms of my loving heavenly Father?

I don’t know, but I plan to spend more time in the Word today and finish my pint of Haagen Dazs. There’s nothing quite like time with God and a bowl of Vanilla Swiss Almond to soothe a slightly wounded saint.

It is so strange to think that siblings could almost be strangers to each other, but I know that my oldest brother and I have been just that most of our lives. He left home when I was so young that we never really bonded.

We assume there is intimacy because we share parents, but intimacy takes more  that shared DNA, it takes time. I am blessed to watch my kids become friends as well as siblings. It’s too precious a thing to be taken for granted. Like marriage, it takes work to have a good relationship with your siblings. it takes time, energy, forgiveness and emotional investment.

Funny, I never really thought about it until Andrew came back home.

My handsome hubby and I went out for breakfast New Years Day, since the Parade was not to be seen. It was lovely. There is something encouraging about sitting at the table, 34+ years into marriage and having a stimulating, deep, thought provoking conversation about the Lord, His Word, and what we are learning from the Bible and other authors. One of Steve’s favorite authors is N.T. (Tom) Wright. I’m starting Surprised By Hope, so we’ll see if he becomes a favorite for me as well. I do love the conversations his writing creates in our home.

I’m starting 2012 with these thoughts from our morning breakfast. They are stuck in my mind and heart like that bit of movie popcorn you can’t get at but can’t stop trying. You keep eating more popcorn and then for hours, or less if you carry floss, you work at the one errant bit in your tooth, which although it annoys, isn’t enough to keep you from eating more popcorn at the next opportunity. Here are my bits for 2012.

We are image bearers practicing justice and beauty; we bear the image of God to the world, reflecting His character – therefore we must be actively working to develop our character- but we are also reflecting the beauty of creation back to the Father.

Secondly, we hear much about being authentic or real. God wants us to be authentic not in our nature, but in our second nature – the one we received from Christ when we surrendered to Him.

And last, but by far not least – Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” It’s by dying to me that I learn to live life in abundance.

Just some light conversation to begin the year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fifteen years ago, on Christmas Eve, I reached in the oven, pulled out the ham, put it on the counter and then stood, watching in wonder as the heating element in the oven broke in half. So much for the Christmas turkey.

Having lived in China, I learned that where there is no Jesus, there is no Christmas, so while the ham rested, I went to the phone. When I asked the lady on the other end of the phone at our favorite Chinese restaurant if they still had reservations for Christmas, laughter was her reply.

Christmas day was wonderful. I enjoyed the morning, read my book, (the spiritual importance is a given, but you can’t really call it Christmas if you don’t unwrap an new book), and then about an hour before we left for the restaurant I got dressed. We were the only family in the place for the first hour. As we left another family was arriving. We tipped well.

That day was so wonderfully relaxed and stress free, a tradition was born. We watch A Christmas Story on Christmas Eve, but have yet to have the staff sing “Fa la la la” as we eat our Christmas dinner.

My son-in-law told us last year that a Chinese restaurant on Christmas is his favorite tradition in our family. Fair warning. Others have discovered the joy of making reservations instead of cooking. It is a very good idea to call your favorite restaurant and reserve your space.

We can learn something about His character from every word in His story. When we pray while we read the Bible, God surprises us with fresh understanding. I had a precious time of prayer with my friend this week. As we prayed through Psalm 98 we each experienced “Aha!” moments, directly from the Word and from each other’s prayers, born from what we read aloud.

We don’t meet long. We don’t share much. We get our cuppa whatever, open our Bibles, and pray. No requests, just prayer. It’s a treasured 45 minutes out of my month and I want to share a moment with you.

Psalm 98:7 “Let the sea roar and all it contains, …”

As I those words aloud an old memory became new;

a little girl at the beach in a funky bathing suit with ribbons in her hair, her Dad watching her like a guard dog. “Suzanne, remember, never turn your back on the ocean. It looks calm now, but you never know when it will get rough or a big wave will come crashing in.”

Then a quote about Aslan from The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe came to mind.

 “Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

I love the ocean, swimming, body surfing, snorkeling, and playing in the sand; but as beautiful as it is, as calm as it can appear, as much comfort and joy as I feel when I can sit and stare at it’s magnificence, just like God, it isn’t safe. God can be like the soft waves lapping up against the sand or like great foaming mountains that thunder and crash against the rocks. He’s not safe, but He is good.

“Suzanne, remember, never turn your back on God. You never know what’s coming.”

Being back in Genesis I was just reading 12, when God tells Abram to go. Have you ever wondered why, when Abram tells Sarai to lie, it’s Pharaoh’s household that’s afflicted with great plagues and not Abram himself?

I’m thinking on that today. Our sin always has negative effects, maybe not on us directly, or immediately, but someone will always feel the effects of our sin, and in the end we will be held accountable.

I think it’s good to think on long term consequences. My actions always have an end result for good or evil, and after all, it’s not always about me.

Maybe it’s my age, but I figure forward movement is a good thing. I am doing National Novel Writing Month and I have done much better than last. I think I only got 3,000 words or so last year before I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I am up to 15,254 and still going, even though I am behind and due to finish Novembers writing in January if I continue at this pace.

It is an improvement and I have had the courage to allow someone to read my story and he likes it. He is not, however, unbiased. He loves me. Then, there’s the desire not to risk … well, we won’t go there.

The thing about using my own past to create a story is the emotional component. I know that it makes the story better, but the re-living makes it tough. I have had to take time now and then to allow the sunshine of everyday life to break up the fog of old memories and emotions.

A profound, (for me) reality has been coming into focus during this past weekend. When I take time to listen to the way others remember my childhood I get a completely different perspective. The disfunction of my teenage years took over the delight of my childhood, spoiling some wonderfully cool experiences. Like the time Dad took my friends and I camping at Mount Tam and in the wee hours of the morning we woke up soaking wet in the middle of cloud, while Dad, sleeping lower down the mountain by the picnic tables was bone dry. He got a speeding ticket while driving home on a Sunday morning in the days when that meant there was no traffic. Dad was awesome!!

The pictures were taken at Samuel P Taylor Park a long time ago. Force yourself to remember the cool stuff now and then. It may bring a smile to your heart.